Saturday, August 20, 2005

Tears and Frowns

I guess it's my day to be in a down mood. I've been having hot flashes really badly all week, haven't slept well, and generally haven't felt good this week. I brought home some work to do this weekend, but haven't gotten motivated yet. I got really depressed last night and cried alot -- although it did get me to clean Connor's room -- ewwwww. Charles keeps pointing out how well he's keeping the house -- there is dried shit on Connor's carpet I have to deal with today, and we haven't tackled Duncan's room yet. I guess Charles couldn't see the shit for all the toys on top of it?

I get so angry sometimes. I actually work 40 hrs a week. I know keeping kids is work, but is it too much to ask that he do housework too? He'll proudly demand I "notice" that he cleaned when I get home. OK, so he ran the vacuum for 45 seconds today. If I say anything about something that needs doing I'm "raising my standards".

And yet, I'm still motivated to try and make things work. And because of this I have been told I'm keeping secrets, rambling... well you know what, I'm a pretty open person. Except when sharing information gets me attacked. I don't like to fight. When I care about someone's opinion I'm very non-confrontational. Can I explain why I care about the opinion of a man who keeps a nasty house and wants me to praise it? No... when I figure it out my readers will be the first to know. One piece of advice I've gotten is to quit the best job I've ever had and move home. Hmmm, can barely make ends meet on what I make now, constantly get criticism that I don't manage my money well enough -- so I should go to $0 income... plus I don't want to live where I grew up. My job is the only part of my life right now that makes me feel good, besides my children. On my task list is to call a therapist I fired because he told me *I* needed to change so my marriage would work, and ask him to write up his comments about Connor's potty issues to try and get him into a preschool. Yep, I'm motivated to do that. I do good to get lunch some days, my boss is pressuring me to work overtime, yep, I've got tons of time to write those kind of letters or make phone calls. Oh, do it when I get home after 40+ hours? But when would I get my husband's job done, or give him the attention I deny him?

Sorry, apparently I needed to vent a little. Don't get me wrong, I think any readers are entitled to their opinion of me, good or bad. You're even entitled to express it. Just understand that my response might be an emotional blog entry.


Julie said...

Hang in there and aren't blogs are great place to rant?!?

Saralite said...

When ever you are distraught I really try hard to help and offer any suggestions I can think of. The idea is not for you do what I say but for you to know you do in fact have options. If that offends you then guess you do not need to act on them or even appreciate them, but that is what you get when you come weeping and upset to me--the best I have to offer however impossible it seems to you--and quite frankly I am a wee bit offended that you mock the suggestion in a public forum.